When I was 14, a girl I knew was raped while unconscious at a house party. The assault was filmed by the perpetrators’ mates and posted on social media.[1]

I distinctly remember the response of my all-girls private school when the story was published. Teachers criticised the parents for allowing their daughters at unsupervised parties. Our headmaster preached in assembly about the dangers of underage alcohol consumption and the importance of women looking out for each other. Most memorably, the school enforced an insensitive self-defence masterclass to teach us sexual assault ‘prevention tips’.

The class was run by an ex-policeman who explained to a room of young girls that the most effective strategy to avoid aggressive rape was to pretend we were ‘into it’.[2] This was essentially the extent of our consent education.

At 14, it shocked me that we still seem to view consent and sexual violence as a ‘women’s issue’. While we were learning rape ‘prevention’ strategies and told to stop partying so hard, what were the boys being taught?

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From a young age, we teach girls safety strategies and perpetuate victim-blaming narratives: ‘What was she wearing?’ ‘Why would she accept that lift home?’ ‘I mean, what did she think would happen?’. This gendered messaging places the burden on girls and women to avoid sexual assault. It reminds women that we can’t rely on men to change; we need to learn how to protect ourselves. Instead of holding men and boys accountable, (who represent the majority of perpetrators), we are excluding them from the conversation.[3]

This issue of promoting different messages about sex and consent to boys and girls is exacerbated by the distorted gender dynamics in same-sex schools. When boys and girls are separated, they only interact in the privileged ‘pressure-cooker’ of the Saturday night party scene, with drugs, alcohol and unsupervised freedom that most teenagers their age do not have access to.[4] They are not taught how to have self-regulating friendships with the opposite sex, or about the nuances of consent. Instead, boys and girls internalise conflicting messages about how their value is determined by their ‘body count’ and sexual desirability.

This environment nurtures a structurally embedded culture of entitlement to women’s bodies. From as early as primary school, young boys make rape jokes about their female peers, dismissed as ‘dark humour’. They are taught that boys are ‘simps’ if they respect their female friends, and that nothing is more embarrassing than being a ‘virgin’. This culture fuels traditions of objectifying chants (ie. ‘if all the ladies were holes in the road…’).[5] It encourages sexist conquests of ‘who can get with the most chicks; ironically followed by slut-shaming those same girls the next Monday morning.[6]

This seemingly harmless ‘locker room talk’ continues in 'elite' university colleges and emerges in the behaviour of the most privileged, high-status men in power and parliament.[7] These attitudes translate to the entitlement of men to spike drinks, grope women in bars and clubs, fetishize queer women and catcall from the streets. They allow men to turn a blind eye when their mates perpetuate casual sexism or more criminal acts of sexual violence.[8]

With the unique privilege of many top private boys’ schools comes the idea that these men have a ‘free pass’ to disrespect and assault whomever they please. In this context, it’s easy to see why victims’ decisions to report are defined by this entrenched culture of male entitlement and protection.

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It is time to welcome boys and men to the hearth in discussions about consent and sexual assault. We need to ensure both boys’ and girls’ schools are doing everything in their power to combat a system in which sexual violence continues without retribution; in which victims and perpetrators are unaware of what behaviour qualifies as sexual assault. [9]

If boys were taught from an impressionable age about consent and to hold each other accountable, perhaps we could stop the entitlement to women's bodies and violence they perpetuate as adults. But how can we expect the attitudes of boys and men to change when we’re barely involving them in the conversation?

[1] Kate Bastians, ‘Girls and women are still subject to abuse, assault or violence of every kind <Principal’s call for action,’ The Daily Telegraph (Web Page) https://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/newslocal/wentworth-courier/girls-and-women-are-still-subject-to-abuse-assault-or-violence-of-every-kind-principals-call-for-action/news-story/b4c4e77301de06274929920ca18abbf2>.

[2] Brent Sanders.

[3] Liz Plank, ‘Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men, so why do we call it a women’s issue,’ Divided States of Women (Web Page) <https://www.dividedstatesofwomen.com/2017/11/2/16597768/sexual-assault-men-himthough>.

[4] Natassia Chrysanthos, ‘Pretty dark culture: Sydney boys’ school heads express regret over rape claims,’ The Sydney Morning Herald (Web Page) <https://www.smh.com.au/national/nsw/pretty-dark-culture-sydney-boys-school-heads-express-regret-over-rape-claims-20210222-p574pr.html>.

[5] Summeyya Llanbey and Tom Cowie, ‘Boys from St Kevin’s College filmed chanting sexist song,’ The Age (Web Page) <https://www.theage.com.au/national/victoria/boys-from-elite-toorak-college-filmed-chanting-sexist-song-20191021-p532uj.html>.

[6] Davide Leser and Natassia Chrysanthos, ‘Sex, schoolkids and where it all goes wrong,’ The Sydney Morning Herald (Web Page) <https://www.smh.com.au/national/sex-schoolkids-and-where-it-all-goes-wrong-20210312-p57a48.html>.

[7] Katharine Murphy, ‘Brittany Higgins’ shocking story must be a turning point. Women in politics have had enough,’ The Guardian (Web Page) <https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/feb/20/brittany-higgins-shocking-story-must-be-a-turning-point-women-in-politics-have-had-enough>.

[8] Belinda Jepsen, ‘Nicholas Drummond punched a woman in the face. We need to take a closer look at why he walked free,’ MamaMia (Web Page) <https://www.mamamia.com.au/nicholas-drummond-case/>.

[9] Chantel Contos, ‘Do they even know they did this to us?: why I launched the school sexual assault petition,’ The Guardian (Web Page) <https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/mar/15/do-they-even-know-they-did-this-to-us-why-i-launched-the-school-sexual-assault-petition>.

Written by Olivia Sharkey and edited by Stephanie McCann