By Patrick O'Connell, Commerce/Law II
Whilst we’ve been given marking criteria on fashion, it’s time we implemented a standardised rubric for stereotyping coffee drinkers on the choice of cup they sneak into the Lawbry.
I Will & Co
You’re a bit of a Redfern Regular. You know all of the bars no-one’s heard of and you are secretly a little bit outside your comfort zone when around clean-shaven men. Whilst you’re a fan of the coffee, you’re really just on the lookout for a new joint because it has all become a little too #mainstream of late for your coffee instablog (@AdventuresOfAUNSWCoffeeBoi).
In obiter: you got off the 891 bus and realised you have 10 mins to kill before class.
II Village Coffee
You declared your loyalty to this old 9am-law-class coffee hunt years(!) ago and that new-age shop could never steal your heart away. In your mind, the situation is a bit like Frank and Freddy (I’m feeling hungry today) but, let’s be honest, they don’t lose sleep over your $3.50 and the relationship is probably a little more like Homer and Flanders (D’Oh!).
As an added bonus, it’s a fact that the fluoro cups are designed to light up the pathway back to the Law Building: you just haven’t realised it because it’s been too bright.
III Coco Cubano
Finally, somewhere to sit inside and plot your negotiations/assignment(s)/coup strategy. If you close your eyes to the whole recent US-Cuba sorta-kinda reconciliation, you can pretend to be all edgy surrounded by references to Cuban cigars and photographs of Che Guevara.
But most importantly, it’s a spot where you believe it’s socially acceptable to feel a little important and flash your LawSoc sticker in the name of cheaper drinks (c.f. “Here’s my card” in Dark Knight Rises).
IV Quad
Let’s be honest though, today hasn’t been going so well. You’re mid-assignment at 1 pm (only three hours to go!) and haven’t slept. You were craving some food, so, like Tony Abbott and onions, you were drawn towards one of those meat boxes in the quad that you know isn’t really meant for human consumption but will devour anyway.
Coffee was on offer. You needed coffee. The free market allows us to trade money for goods and services. The heart will surely be better at unclogging arteries with the caffeine boost anyway, right?
V Coffee Cart
There are only three reasons you’re getting a coffee from the Library Coffee Cart:
1. You’re an absolute coffee fanatic and wanted to visit the bean version of Mecca (You actually plan on just getting your coffee and heading back home after your pilgrimage up Basser steps – you didn’t even have uni today).
2. You combine with Arts and the timetabling gods have sentenced you all the way to Morven Brown.
3. You enjoy the pain of walking up tonnes of stairs (kind of like the whole #sadomasochism thing I still don’t understand in Crim 2 cases).
VI Conclusion
In conclusion, nobody really cares where you get your coffee.
But if your order includes at least two of the following words:
a. Soy
b. Chai
c. Mocha
d. Caramel
e. Vanilla
f. Spice
We’re all definitely judging you.
